Send in the clowns

The face of a killer?

A clown bestiary with B/X stats.

People have been talking for years about scary clowns. I always thought it was mostly in fun, but my little nephew is serious about it. I had to change my in-game skin so we could play Minecraft together, because I was dressed as a clown and he hated it.

Players wouldn't be scared though, would they? Not big tough players. I bet they could take on a whole gang of clowns and come out smiling...

Hobo

Dressed in rags or ill-fitting clothes, Hobos are tasked with gathering victims to feed the nest's Foolmother and her Clowngrubs. They're especially attracted to young children, who can be taken in by a painted smile and a bladder on a stick. Many villages have known the pain of hearing their children cry in fear and seeing a Hobo sprinting away on oversized shoes with a handful of kids stuffed into his hula-hoop trousers.

AC 7 [12], HD 4 (14hp), Att 1 × rubber chicken (1d4), squeaky hammer (1d6), claws (1d6), THAC0 16, MV 80’ (40’), SV D10 W11 P12 B13 S14 (F4), ML 8, AL Chaotic, XP 125, NA 1d4 (2d4), TT S

Specials: Hobos can regurgitate swallowed human intestines to twist into balloon animals, swollen with noxious gas. They burst after 1d4 rounds or if interacted with. The gas irritates the membranes, causing coughing and watering eyes. Save vs poison or -2 to attack rolls until the fight's end.

Pierot

The white-faced Pierot wears motley, a conical hat and a mournful expression.  Don't be fooled, this clown has no mercy. Its skin is coated with slimy white mucus.  The Pierot's chief tactic is pretending to be busy with some task and paying no attention to anyone who might be nearby - then sneaking up and smearing them with its slime as soon as they're distracted.

AC 8 [11], HD 3 (11hp), Att 1 × bucket of whitewash (1d4), claws (1d6), THAC0 17, MV 80’ (40’), SV D12 W13 P14 B15 S16 (F3), ML 8, AL Chaotic, XP 75, NA 1d2 (1d6), TT R

Specials: Pierot slime absorbs into demihuman skin and paralyses the will, leaving the victim a dazed but willing slave to the Pierot's gestured commands. Save vs poison to resist.

Little dog

Pierots are often accompanied by little dogs, which function as their protectors. They're not actually canines, they have a vestigial third pair of insectoid limbs that fold flat against the body.  Agile, and vicious, the dog can dislocate its jaw at will to open its mouth wider than its head. It has multiple rows of jagged, broken teeth. It goes for the soft parts, and then for the throat.

AC 7 [12], HD 2 (7hp), Att 1 × bite (1d6), THAC0 18, MV 120’ (40’), SV D12 W13 P14 B15 S16 (F1), ML 8, AL Chaotic, XP 20, NA 1d3 (2d4), TT None

Rodeo

The clown nest's soldier caste, Rodeo clowns have nothing subtle or sneaky about them. They operate on instinct, which tells them to attack anyone not part of the nest. They have sticky sweat that binds a protective layer of bullpen dust to their skin. They're also armoured with oversized hats and bandanas. Rodeo clowns can be found defending approaches to the main nest.

AC 6 [13], HD 5 (18hp), Att 1 × headbutt (1d6), claws (1d6), THAC0 15, MV 80’ (40’), SV D10 W11 P12 B13 S14 (F5), ML 10, AL Chaotic, XP 300, NA 1d4 (1d2), TT Q

Specials: Spits caustic chaw (2d4). 2 x daily, 15' range, save vs breath for half damage.

Foolmother

Source of the filthy clown breed, the Foolmother is a towering blob of flesh in the centre of the nest. She appears bloated and immobile, but most of that quivering mass is actually an egg sac she's embedded in. Give her reason and she'll tear free and leap at you, all sleek black biomechanical limbs topped with a bulbous head and painted smile.

AC 1 [18], HD 8 (36hp), Att 1 × bite (3d8) or claws (2d6), THAC0 12, MV 180’ (60’), SV D8 W9 P10 B10 S12 (F8), ML 9, AL Chaotic, XP 650, NA 0 (1), TT H 

Clowngrubs

The clown's immature stage. Writhing slimy grubs the length of your forearm, with sharp mandibles. They hunt by smell and when one tastes flesh it emits a pheromone that calls its fellows to join the feast.

AC 7 [12], HD 1 (4hp), Att 1 × bite (1d3), THAC0 19, MV 90’ (30’), SV D12 W13 P14 B15 S16 (F1), ML 6, AL Chaotic, XP 10, NA 0 (0d6), TT None
 

Mime

Every predator has a predator of its own. The clown's predator is the mime. These beasts exist partly in this world and partly in another. They're often hindered by obstacles that exist only on the other side of the divide and are invisible to creatures native to our plane. That weakness is a strength as well, though. The mime can step sideways past barriers that exist only on our side, appearing inside city walls and locked rooms.

Clowns are their natural prey, but they're hostile to any living thing they encounter. The unlucky or unwary die in the grip of claws that can't even be seen.

AC 8 [11], HD 6 (21hp), Att 1 × invisible sword (1d6), THAC0 14, MV 80’ (40’), SV D10 W11 P12 B13 S14 (F6), ML 10, AL Chaotic, XP 500, NA 1d3, TT R

Specials: Immune to non-magical weapons.

Wizard Squad AP and an adventure

Recently I got a chance to playtest Wizard Squad with my usual group and give them a chance to break my game. The lesson for me in this is 'be careful what you wish for'.  The scenario we played was The Doom that came to Springhill.  Click the name there to download a copy. 

Character creation

The usual suspects were present: Tim, Theo, James 1 and Mila.

Character creation was relatively straightforward, but I had difficulty explaining the magic system concepts: your techniques and forms describe the magic your wizard knows, you can custom-build any spell that draws on those practices, each morning you choose the spells that will be available to you to cast for that day. Effectively it's Vancian magic, but it eliminates pre-written level-based spell lists. The players seemed to like that idea.

Tim rolled up Smith Johns, a relatively hardy wizard with magic techniques in Harming/Diminishing and Person. His specialty was Bureaucracy and his advantage was Reputation. We decided that he was quite a legalistic magic user who had successfully taken a number of minor nobles to court.

Theo created Desmond Aster, Des to his friends. His techniques were Summon, Transform, Spirit and Beast. He immediately created a spell to turn people into sheep. He also asked if it was possible to interpret spirits as distilled spirits and create a spell of summon whiskey. We agreed that it was only logical. His specialty was languages and his advantage Official Contacts, so he came from a diplomatic background.

James 1 made The Great Kazaam. His techniques were Heal/Enhance and Person. Unfortunately he rolled the lowest possible HP, so he wouldn't be doing much healing. His advantage was a spirit companion named Fred, who no-one else could see or hear. They just thought The Great Kazaam was kind of weird, but knew things.

Mila rolled up Me Reana, a sorceress with magic for Move, Element, Person, Beast. She immediately created a spell to give flight to flightless animals, a second one to suck spirits into jars to capture them and another she called Earthbending. Her specialty was investigation and her advantage was a minor magical item. After some negotiation we agreed that she had a bag of holding, but the opening was too small for anything larger than her fist.

Des then asked me if it was possible to create a spell to transform spirits into whiskey so they could be sucked into Me's bottles and stored as a refreshing drink in her pouch of holding. I reluctantly admitted that the rules could be interpreted to allow it, but I planned this as a serious game and meant to veto any magic that seemed too ridiculous. Everyone agreed, knowing full well that my games turn ridiculous no matter what my intentions are.

The squad was dispatched to the tiny isolated village of Springhill, where children were vanishing and monsters have been seen in the woods.

The game

The party arrived in Springhill where the mayor’s man failed to meet them as arranged. They headed for the pub, where they learned that talk about monsters abducting or eating children made the innkeeper nervous and he clammed up. At least they got their drinks for free.

They found the mayor, who was riding back into town from negotiating with a mercenary company encamped by the main road. There’s nothing for miles around, so the concern is that the company is here to sack the town. The mayor gave them details about the missing children and their families and the squad went off to investigate.

Talking to the families they learned that all three of the vanished children spent their free time around a swimming hole upriver, and also that a season earlier there had been a late-night display of weird lights over the hill that gave the town its name. They checked out the swimming hole and saw nothing unusual until Me earth-bent the river bed to rise and show itself above the water line. Then they found a number of fish with pig-like features and river weed that seemed to be budding pig fetuses instead of seed pods. The squad theorised that the disappeared children had become the monsters seen in the woods, and it was something in the water that changed them.

Smith issued the river a ticket for concealing evidence, and a receipt for the items they seized for investigation. The other sorcerers began to understand why a successful wizard like him got sent on an investigation at the arse-end of the kingdom.

They travelled upriver, looking for the hillside spring that was its source. All of them struggled inside the cave mouth against the water’s flow, but Smith lost his grip and got swept nearly a mile downriver before he could leave the water. He issued it a ticket for impeding an officer of the law in his duties. The others pushed on, but soon found the way impassable. Kazaam had the idea of letting Des change him into spirit form so he could continue through the spring. [Ordinarily I would have said no to this because Des didn't have that spell on his prepared list, but the game had a fairly strict time limit and I felt like we needed to move things along.] Exploring in this form, he soon found himself halted by a barrier of invisible force. He called the others up and with Des’ help he had the power to force his way through. That weakened the barrier enough for Des to follow. Me earth-bent an alcove next to the force wall where someone could work out of the water flow, and went after them.

Smith arrived, recognised Me’s alcove for what it was and pushed on. The barrier could only offer token resistance at this point. He scrawled a hasty ticket and dropped it as he hurried past.

Moving ahead of the squad, Kazaam entered a large dry room with unmistakable old-kingdom construction. He spotted lights and raised voices in the distance. Des used a spell to give himself the appearance of a spirit - invisibility - and joined him. They found the room was a grid of stone vats filled with a milky fluid in which a herd of pigs were growing to maturity with unnatural speed. The voices were a trio of men slaughtering and butchering full-grown pigs.

Kazaam flew close and ordered them to stop. The oldest man waved a hand through his immaterial body and told him that no, he didn’t think they would. He sent one of the younger ones to fetch help. Kazaam sent Fred the spirit to follow him, but he lost track of the man in the darkness and twisting pathway out of the hill.

Des recognised enough of the old-kingdom glyphs on the walls to have a good chance at deactivating the room without destroying it. He went for it, and successfully turned off the controlling device overhead. The vats hardened into milky glass and went inert. The two remaining men tried to make a fight of it, but Des turned them into sheep.

The session ended there, but in the postscript the wizard squad went on to arrest a local farmer and his two sons, along with the mayor and the innkeeper. Deprived of the supplies they needed to cross the northern wasteland and attack a keep from the blind side, the mercenaries threatened to sack the town, but Des offered to fix their provisioning problem by turning the first half dozen men to reach for their weapons into mutton. The three missing children were rounded up and after several months of intensive research, returned to human form by the wizard academy.

Conclusions

Playtests never take place under ideal conditions, have you noticed? In this case we didn’t have our usual rooms at the university, so we played outside in the courtyard. The weather was good for it, but the sun went down and we were reduced to squinting and using our cellphone lights to read character sheets until the overhead lights came on - after we finished. With the venue problem, transport issues and character creation, we didn’t get started until late. It was only intended to be one session, so it had to be a 90-minute game.

I threw out a whole bunch of clues, some useful and some not. I intended to curse the players with an overabundance of evidence and force them to sort through it all. Instead (perhaps because they chose to investigate the spookiest clues first), they bypassed most of the mystery and headed straight for the problem’s source inside the hill.

By running Wizard Squad I learned that:

• Players suffer from the blank page problem and need some prompting to start coming up with their own spells. 
• But once they get into the swing of things you can’t stop them inventing new spells and wanting to try them out immediately.
• Players with a D&D background got the magic system immediately. Other players needed more of an explanation. Is it still a one-page game if you bundle it with an adventure, an extended bestiary and a couple examples of play? 
• The game is unplayable without houseruling, which is pretty much what I expected. 

House rules

These were all developed through play.

• The standard die for magic is a d4. Healing? D4 + level HP. Transforming? D4 + level minutes at base cost. 
• Some effects revert back after the spell wears off, some don't. Rule of common sense applies.
• Some spells require a roll to cast, some are automatic. Once again, rule of common sense.
• Players want to experiment with new spells as they come to mind, even if they're not playable that in-game day. The compromise I came up with is to allow a flashback to the wizard academy, where the character tries the spell out for the first time. The player must make a roll. If they miss the target by three or more, it's an undershoot. Roll a d6 and consult this table:
  
  1 - 3 - spell fails and accidentally ruins another student's experiment.
  4 - 5 - spell fails and the PC looks foolish, under-prepared, or over-confident in front of academy staff.
  6 - spell misfires and there's property damage or injury.
  
  If they exceed the target by three or more, it's an overshoot. Roll a d6 and consult this table:
  
  1 - 3 - spell succeeds and the PC looks organised, confident and in control.
  4 - 5 - spell succeeds and the PC impresses a senior wizard.
  6 - spell succeeds and reveals a hidden truth that solves a question the academy has been struggling with for months.

The why of gangs

Criminal gangs are a hazard players are most likely to run across in city areas. They can be ambiguous - enemies or allies depending on how the first encounter shakes out.

Most gangs are money-making enterprises that see violence as a tool of the trade. Often, recruits join up to have protection from other gangs. It's common for gangs to claim a territory and keep order there by muscling out or co-opting other criminals.

This is a table to make gangs less generic by generating a background, operating methods and members. Roll as many times on any given table as you need to reach the preferred complexity.

Their members

1. Neighbourhood thugs
2. Disgruntled ex-soldiers
3. Guild dropouts - drunks, bullies and workshy
4. Long term jobless forced to choose between crime and begging
5. Branded criminals
6. Vigilantes

Their size

1. Less than ten
2. Ten to twenty
3. A few dozen
4. A hundred or so 
5. Many hundreds

Their methods

1. Smuggling
2. Gambling
3. Armed robbery
4. Protection
5. Bootlegging
6. Murder/arson for hire

Their 'reason'

1. Protect immigrant districts
2. Resist political oppression of the lower classes
3. Prevent exploitation of the poor by landowners
4. Stop locals being displaced by newcomers
5. Redistribute unfair taxation
6. Defend neighbourhoods against other gangs

Their real reason

1. Money
2. Power
3. Revenge
4. Fear and respect
5. Fun and excitement
6. Loyalty to each other and their leader

Their main advantage

1. Secret routes under the city or over the rooftops
2. A rich or connected sponsor
3. Reputation
4. Alliance with other gang(s)
5. Clandestine support from neighbourhood residents
6. They've bribed or intimidated the city guards

Their biggest headache

1. Money-making rackets under threat
2. Powerful enemies
3. Territorial dispute with other gang(s)
4. Loss of safe houses and secret routes
5. Law enforcement crackdown
6. Informant infiltrators

Wearable monsters

Yes, that sort of wearable monster.
Image from www.maxpixel.net

I was browsing Old School RPG Planet's bloglist late at night and found myself reading a post about wandering monsters. I was half-asleep and read that as wearable monsters until I was nearly done with the post and hadn't seen a single reference to wearing monsters and wasn't that a fundamentally dumb idea?

*cough* So anyway, here's a list of wearable monsters. Blame them on Abelard the Unreliable. I'm not sure why I gave them statblocks.

Wig beast

This creature wants to yank your hair out and sink tap roots into your scalp. The benefit is that you'll have a full head of thick and luxurious hair once it settles in place. They can be trained into elaborate styles, and change shades depending on your diet. The down side is that your own hair never grows back and the wig beast has an unpredictable lifespan. It may just expire and slide off your scarred scalp in public. They tend to target older women and fashionable young men.

AC 6 [13], HD 1-2 (2hp), Att 1 × hair pull (1d4-1), THAC0 19, MV 40’ (20’), SV D14 W15 P16 B17 S18 (NH), ML 7, AL Neutral, XP 5, NA 1d6 (3d8),  
TT -
 

Parasitic medals

They resemble gold or lapis medals with a vague decoration generic enough to just possibly belong to your army. Actually beetles that grip with their legs and bury a proboscis under the skin to draw blood. At the same time they inject a toxin that diminishes reasoning ability and increases belligerence and blood flow. Sufferers can be recognised by their ruddy complexion, disregard for strategy and over-use of phrases like "Peace was never an option" and "We have more men than they have bullets".

AC 4 [15], HD 1-2 (1hp), Att 1 × bite (1d4), THAC0 19, MV 80’ (40’), SV D12 W13 P14 B15 S16 (F1), ML 10, AL Neutral, XP 5, NA 3d4 (4d10), TT -

Snake belt

These venomous serpents are attracted to the body heat of sleeping adventurers and eat leather. They slither close and devour an adventurer's existing belt, then slide through their trousers' belt loops to take its place. Their tails are armoured so they can grip them with their teeth and not cause themselves injury. By the time a belt snake is discovered, it's probably too late to remove it and the only option is to wait until they get hungry and slither off in search of more edible belts. Their bite causes fever and delirium.

AC 6 [13], HD 2 (8hp), Att 1 × bite (1d6+poison), THAC0 19, MV 80’ (40’), SV D12 W13 P14 B15 S16 (F1), ML 8, AL Neutral, XP 10, NA 1d4 (3d6), 
TT -

Fleece colony

A fleece moth is a tiny wispy insect with a long, trailing fleecy tail. They collectively settle on a suitable surface and intertwine their tails, creating a light but waterproof and warm covering. Migratory hunters on the high steppes soak their clothes in the juice of the mountain thistle to attract fleece moths. The down side is that the moths only form a colony in cold weather. If a warmer (by their standard) day comes, they may abandon their garment all at once and leave the wearer in just his shirt sleeves.

AC 4 [15], HD 1-2 (1hp), Att -, THAC0 -, MV 80’ (40’), SV D14 W15 P16 B17 S18 (NH), ML 4, AL Neutral, XP -, NA 10d100, TT -

 

Crocs

Not shoes, actually small reptiles. These swamp-dwelling mini-gators wrap themselves around the feet of careless adventurers, shred their existing footwear, and grab hold. They resist removal with nips and tail-thrashing. But on the other hand they're hard-wearing, waterproof and don't cause blisters. Some travellers think it's worth occasionally being dragged off-course to chase small game.

AC 8 [11], HD 1 (4hp), Att 1 × bite (1d6), tail-whip (1d4), THAC0 19, MV 80’ (40’), SV D12 W13 P14 B15 S16 (F1), ML 8, AL Neutral, XP 5, NA 2, TT -

Dragon onesie

The onesie is a living organism and by putting it on you're technically stepping into its stomach. Don't worry too much about that, it's warm and dry inside. Unless you fail to keep its pockets full of gold. Then it could get a little uncomfortable. Onesies don't go adventuring to enjoy the company. A dragon onesie provides immunity to the breath weapon matching its colour.

AC 4 [15] (when worn, give the wearer chainmail-equivalent AC), HD 3 (13hp), Att 1 × bite (1d6), THAC0 19, MV 80’ (40’), SV D12 W13 P14 B15 S16 (F2), ML 8, AL Neutral, XP 15, NA 1 (1d4), TT D

Trollskin armour

Trollskin armour has to be manufactured and the process begins with getting it off the troll. Who probably won't like it. The skin survives removal and trimming, tanning, sewing etc. When worn it gives leather-equivalent AC and also emanates a smell that frightens away animals and smaller monsters. It's self-repairing as long as it's kept well-fed.  The only way it can feed is to absorb nutrients through its skin, so the most efficient way of keeping your trollskin armour healthy is to soak it in the soup-pot after it's cooled down for a while. Wash it thoroughly or your next meal will taste like feet.

Fantasy Medieval X-Men

Image by Mohammed Hassan via Pixabay

I don't know if this idea has legs or not. It's an interesting metagame but I'm not sure it's fun. But I've had it in my head for far too long without progressing it one way or another, so maybe I can get it out by writing it down.

Wizard X has assembled a team of heroes, each with their own special quality. By way of example, Sir A is as strong as an ogre. Lady B has hypnotically fascinating eyes. Sir C can swim like a fish. They roam the countryside doing good deeds, but the local peasants are always grateful when they move on. There's something unsettling about them.

Each of the characters is cursed and doesn't know it. Sir A just knows that Lady B is under a dark fate and must never see her own reflection. It's his job to keep tabs on her and make sure she doesn't. Lady B knows that Sir C must never taste sea water and it's her role to see that he never does. Sir C knows that Sir A can never eat uncooked meat under any circumstances, and the task of stopping it falls to him.

But the real truth is that Sir A is as strong as an ogre because he is one. Wizard X permanently polymorphed him into human shape and geased him never to think about his past. If he ever eats raw meat, that part of the spell is undone. Lady B has some of the powers of a gorgon because she's a gorgon. Sir C is a Saghuin. Each of them has a taboo they can never break, or their real nature will be revealed to them. Wizard X never told them about the 'curse' or the taboo because he didn't want them to know even that much about their situation. In order to keep them from crossing the line, he gave each of them the job of managing one of their companions.

I think it would be on-theme for only the GM and a character's minder player to know what their taboo is. I can't imagine it being hard to figure out, the cat's going to be out of the bag on the meta level within the first session or two. From there it's going to be about playing their character like they aren't aware of it and don't know why another character is constantly trying to stop them doing something. Obviously for this to make it into a game, players will have to be comfortable with acting out in-game conflict between the two characters. Some people aren't, and that's fine. I'm not sure I could make this work at my table. I know some larpers who might go for it.

It could be a good gimmick for a streamed game, on reflection.