The Tooth Merchant

A wandering merchant who sells, buys, fits and polishes teeth of unusual provenance. This is an idea I originally proposed for a zine. It wasn't used, so now I can flesh it out for myself.

The merchant is an always-smiling man of indeterminate race.  He could be human, but his mouth is much too wide and contains far too many teeth. One of them plays music. 

He's most likely to be found at fae bazaars and goblin markets, but occasionally makes his way to regular markets that aren't policed too zealously. Not that he's dishonest, oh no. He just doesn't like getting too much... official attention. He will attempt to charmingly deflect questions about his background and where these teeth come from.

AC 9 [10], HD 6 (21hp), Att 2 × staff (1d4) or teeth (see specials), THAC0 17, MV 60’ (20’), SV D10 W11 P12 B13 S14 (F6), ML 9, AL Neutral, XP 1400, NA 1 (1), TT T

Specials:
The tooth merchant always has smiling teeth, lying teeth, eloquent teeth, snake teeth and shark teeth fitted in his own mouth.

The table below is the catalogue of teeth he generally carries on him. (Special orders by arrangement.) If purchased, they can be painlessly and efficiently fitted in the back of the tent and there's only a 2-in-6 chance that you buy one thing and he fits another (roll 1d20 to see what).

1. Smiling teeth
How can you have a bad day when you're smiling all the time? Gives the wearer an extra save vs mood-altering effects, including fear but not Charm spells.

2. Snarling teeth
These teeth utter convincing threats. +1 CHA to attempts at intimidating.

3. Lying teeth
+1 CHA while telling a lie. However, if anyone asks a question you weren't prepared for, save vs devices to tell the truth. On failure, you're compelled to lie.

4. Honest teeth
You eat lies. If you know someone is lying, make a chewing motion and roll CHA vs CHA. On a win the lie is no longer convincing and you gain the benefit of a ration.

5. Eloquent teeth
+1 CHA when speaking about a learned subject such as art, history, religion, politics, etc.

6. Whistling teeth
You can whistle as musically as playing an instrument, or loud enough to be heard miles away.

7. Lucky teeth
Each time you eat, roll 1d20. On 1 - 14 it's a normal meal. On 15 - 17 it contains a low-denomination coin. On 18 - 19, a high-denomination coin. On 20 a gem.

8. Rat teeth
You can gnaw through cloth, leather, rope and (given time) wood.

9. Snake teeth
Level times per day, on a successful attack you can choose to bite instead of using a weapon. Biting does 1d4 damage and inflicts the poisoned condition. Save vs death to resist.

10. Wolf teeth
On a successful attack, you can choose to bite instead of using a weapon. Biting automatically does 1d6 damage per round until the target makes a successful STR vs STR roll to break free or until you release them. During that time, neither of you can take other actions.

11. Shark teeth
On a successful attack, you can choose to bite instead of using a weapon, doing 1d6 damage. A shark-bitten opponent can no longer use their main weapon and gains the bleeding condition until bandaged.

12. Sabre-teeth
Make you look like a total bad-ass. Once per combat you can roar. Anyone on the battlefield who didn't know you can do that is surprised and drops to the bottom of the initiative order until the fight is over.

13. Goat teeth
Eat a fist-sized amount of anything organic to gain the benefit of a ration. Horrify your teammates.

14. Warthog tusks
Gain a 1d8 gore attack that can be used against opponents in an adjacent square. And a speech impediment.

15. Troll teeth
Regenerate any (non-fire) damage to your teeth or mouth overnight. Curses you with swamp breath.

16. Giant teeth
More like a full set of teeth carved from one giant tooth. Gives you the ability to bellow like a giant. Be heard, anywhere.

17. Vampire teeth
Who needs rations when you have enemies? Bite a restrained or helpless victim on the neck. If you can stay latched on for 1d4 rounds, do 1d4 hp damage and gain the benefit of a ration. Works on anything that has human-digestible blood.

18. Werewolf teeth
As per wolf teeth. Werewolf teeth look like normal human teeth until your bloodlust is aroused, or under the light of a full moon. While your teeth are active, you gain no benefit from eating normal rations. The only rations that work for you are the flesh of an intelligent creature.

19. Salamander teeth
Gain the benefit of a ration by eating the campfire flames. Eating the fire puts it out and the remaining fuel cannot be re-lit. Larger fires will give you indigestion from over-eating, but won't go out.

20. Dragon teeth
Taste the air to see if there are uncovered riches nearby. Lick treasure to see if it's genuine. The downside is that all food tastes like ashes and dirt unless served up on a plate of precious metal.

Campaign idea: Hobo Wizards

Hobos as mystical defenders of the nation. An idea I've had swimming around in my brain since reading Tim Powers' Earthquake Weather and Charlie Elmer Fox's autobiography in the same week.  

Reefer Charlie clearly had his rose-coloured glasses on while dictating the memoir: in his mind hobos were knights of the road, upright and chaste. They always gave a day's work for a day's pay and supported each other in tough times. Sister of the Road (Boxcar Bertha's autobio) is much grimier with its free love, prostitution and Bertha's regrets about being too drunk to join an anarchist bombing campaign. What I take from Powers is the idea that America has a secret king and the health of the land is directly tied to the king's health. All three of these books are good reads and I recommend them.

For the campaign, the Dust Bowl was the Apocalypse and all of Earth has been dragged into Hell. With the exception of the US, which is defended by the hobomages' Great Work. Now they form a court of councillors and bodyguards that travel with the King of America as he treads the boundaries of his nation (by riding the rails) and keeps the magic wards strong.

The king doesn't know he's king. The mages got him good and drunk for the coronation, he doesn't remember a thing. He just knows that his luck tends to go bad if he stays anywhere too long, and there's always a well-paying seasonal job available in a city just a little further down the coast. The Great Work prevents him or any mundane citizen from realising what's happened outside the country's borders.

The hobomages are wise and powerful, but for the most part they work for food and lodging like any other hobo. They need to stay hidden. The devil can enter the US if he limits himself to human form and power, and he's always sniffing for the source of the protective magic. If he gets a hint of a mage's identity he sends for his Yeggs, human agents picked from among the most degraded hobos. They don't care who they're working for and violence is their trademark. 

 

If a hobomage wants to work magic, it has to be subtle, using sympathetic effects like the laws of similarity and contagion. The idea being that yeah: the players can reveal themselves as the titans of magic they truly are, but then they have to fight off an army. If the king gets killed the country could literally go to Hell before a replacement can be crowned. Hobomages themselves can't be permanently killed because they've hidden their lives away with the greater part of their magic, but when they revive, they revive wherever that is and not where they need to be.

I'm not sure what I'd use to run this. Probably a system that has some kind of stress mechanism for tracking the heat players bring down on themselves through ill-advised magic use.

Edit: It seems there's an existing RPG called Hobomancer, using the QAGS system. And it won an Ennies Silver, so I should have been aware of it sooner. I've read the quickstart and it's clear the writers and I are dipping into the same well. We both have the idea of riding the rails as a mystical symbolic journey. We even found the same (admittedly famous) public domain photo of hobos walking the rails. I don't think I'd run my game in Hobomancer, because it appears to be higher-powered than what I'm thinking of. Less serious, too. One of the classes is the 'stinkomancer' which cultivates body odour as a weapon. 😃

Killer robots

Have you ever woken from a sound sleep with the best idea ever and forgotten what it was before morning? Today I had the opposite experience: an idea so terrible that my subconscious refused to take responsibility for it and kicked me awake. By morning it was still there, burning like an ember in my thoughts - goblin phone sex operators.

 I have no plans to develop this idea, and no idea how to develop it if I wanted to.

Anyhoo, robots. The first few OD&D games played must have been real kitchen sink settings. I was interested to read that Gary G's Greyhawk had dinosaurs and androids as monsters the players could encounter. It’s a shame there aren't more robots in fantasy game supplements today. Here's some I've statted up, hoping to capture what would have been the 1970s aesthetic:

Roberzerker
A towering armoured beast with a single glowing eye, flailing claw-arms and a grating electronic voice shouting "DESTROY! DESTROY!" Usually set to guard an area or significant artefact. Won't leave the room its guard point is in unless it malfunctions (2 in 6 if damaged).

AC 6 [13], HD 5 (22hp), Att 2 x slam (1d6) or 1 x sonic (1d8, see specials), THAC0 17, MV 90' (30'), SV D10 W11 P12 B3 S14 (F5), ML 12, AL Neutral, XP 550, NA 1d3, TT D

Specials:
Sonic - The robot can make a straight-line attack affecting all opponents in targeted squares. Ignores armour, 3-round recharge.
Boom - a destroyed roberzerker explodes on 2 in 6, doing 1d8 damage to opponents in adjacent squares.
Mechanical - immune to all mind-affecting spells and conditions.

Spider
A dog-sized machine that lurks in the dark in high corners. Has 8 dim red lights as eyes. Will attempt to surprise or swarm opponents.

AC 8 [11], HD 2 (5hp), Att 1 x shock bite (1d6), THAC0 19, MV 120' (40'), SV D13 W14 P13 B16 S15 (T2), ML 12, AL Neutral, XP 35, NA 2d4, TT C

Specials:
Climb - a spider can crawl along walls or ceilings at its normal movement rate.
Backstab - as per Thief.
Mechanical - immune to all mind-affecting spells and conditions.

Scrapper
A man-sized construction which collects all kinds of metal for depositing in the hopper on its back, where it's crushed into ingots for storage. Not inherently hostile, but it wants the party's weapons and armour and will attempt to yank them off.

AC 8 [11], HD 3 (8hp), Att 1 x steal (see specials), THAC0 19, MV 120; (40'), SV D13 W14 P13 B16 S15 (T3), ML 9, AL Neutral, XP 65, NA 1d4, TT B

Specials:
Steal - on a successful attack, the scrapper will cut one item of the target's armour free, reducing AC by 2 points.
Mechanical - immune to all mind-affecting spells and conditions.

Hound
A security robot in the form of a lion-sized dog. Usually found walking patrols in an ancient facility, they attack without warning and fight to kill. 

AC 6 [13], HD 5 (22hp), Att 1 × bite (2d6), THAC0 17, MV 150’ (50’), SV D10 W11 P12 B13 S14 (F5), ML 12, AL Neutral, XP 425, NA 1d2 (2d4), TT D

Specials:
Backup - A hound signals for reinforcements when entering combat with the characters. 2d4 more hounds arrive in 1d6 turns.
Mechanical - immune to all mind-affecting spells and conditions.

Lifter
A huge robot on thick legs or tracks, designed for moving loads around. It may be hostile, or simply oblivious to the tiny characters.

AC 3 [16], HD 15 (67hp), Att 1 × crush  (4d8), THAC0 10, MV 80’ (26’), SV D8 W9 P10 B10 S12 (F8), ML 12, AL Neutral, XP 3,250, NA 1 (1d3), TT G

Specials:
Horn - operates every second turn, characters are deaf and unable to communicate via speech while it sounds.
Mechanical - immune to all mind-affecting spells and conditions.

Docbot
The one helpful robot on this list. Docbots are willing and able to perform medical treatment on human and demihuman characters. 3 in 6 chance it's run out of anaesthetic and attempts to inject a patient with a dried-up syringe before performing surgery. Doesn't speak the patient's language.

AC 3 [16], HD 1 (4hp), Att -, THAC0 -, MV 120’ (40’), SV D13 W14 P13 B16 S15 (T1), ML 12, AL Neutral, XP -, NA 1, TT B

Specials:
Heal - can use one full turn to heal a character by 1d6+1 hp. Can only treat the same character once every six hours.
Space age medicine - can treat conditions that would ordinarily require magical healing.
Mechanical - immune to all mind-affecting spells and conditions.

Note on treasure tables - robots don't carry cash, items or spells. In each case the treasure table given represents the value of the advanced metal scraps you can pick from a robot's wreckage. For each line on the table that indicates a non-money reward, roll again on the highest value money reward line.